Sunday, February 20, 2011

I wonder what my Grandmother would think...

This is one of the last photos of my grandmother Stella, who succumbed to lung cancer in 1977, lung cancer which had spread there from Breast Cancer, despite the double mastectomy she had to endure. Nonna Stella (as I call her-Nonna is Italian for Grandmother) was my mom's mom, and if she had been alive today she would have just barely turned 102, as her birthday was on January 24th, 1909.

My mom was very, very close to her, she was the one that always took care of her along with, at times, her sister, my aunt Marisa, which I adored as she was my Godmother and always loved me unconditionally. I miss her too, she passed away unexpectedly last summer. Sigh.  

Nonna Stella was probably one of the sweetest people I've ever met, very family oriented, very loving and caring. A good cook too! The one thing I never understood though is how an amazing lady like her could have a son (my uncle) that is probably the least family oriented person I've ever met. Growing up we occasionally met his children (my cousins afterall) but there was never that lovey-dovey that I thought "should" exist with family, and that surely exists with all my other cousins and even second cousins and assorted family members and many of my in-laws! To me, family means 'something', but sadly to some it doesn't. I recently found my 'so called' cousins on Facebook, tried to befriend them, perhaps, in my naivetee, try to connect on some level, even though we haven't seen each other in 30+ years, and while one added me, the other one denied. Okkidokki. The one that added me did answer to me on occasion when I would ask him a question, he never attempted to have any sort of conversation with me, I was the one initiating as usual, and then out of the blue he unfriended me. I wonder what my Grandmother would think about that.

Admittedly, I am probably at fault here. I give people too much credit, I expect too much. Even with my ex and current husband's families I feel I am the one trying to make the connections at times and I have often had the door slammed in my face. I have found some of their family members quite lovely, and some, as in my family, are like 'who are you? Go away.' So much for 'family'.

Why am I like this? Why can't I be like everyone else and not give a shit? I wish I could have a talk with my Nonna about this and see what her thoughts are. My dad thinks everyone should be like me, more caring, trying to reach out more, how everyone has something to learn from me, but maybe he's just saying it. I don't know. All I know is that's how I am and who I am, but one thing is for sure, once you unfriend me or refuse the connection, cousin, the ball is in your court. If you never contact me back, my conscience is clean. I tried. I hope Nonna Stella knows that.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Well, hello!!

I just finished digi-scrapping 1978 so I figured I'd post a lonely page waiting to have time to upload them to Shutterfly for my book and to Fotki for safekeeping. God forbid I lose my work!

This page I made, no quickpage! I am so proud of myself, LOL. These photos were taken in Italy, at a beach resort in Senigallia, still my favorite Italian vacation spot by far. I look at these photos and to be honest it's hard to believe this was... gulp, 33 years ago. Good grief.

Next week I'm starting my Photoshop & Digital Photography class at the College for my degree, so as an effort to put "my all" in them, I will use my own photos and then manipulate them in Photoshop by modifying them and add quotes in them and then make them into either scrapbook kits, or Incredimail letters/tags etc. wallpapers or whatever I come up with and then post them here. I really need to use my skills if I want to get better and better and better at it, and since my degree, future business and livelyhood will need to rely on my passion, so be it. It's a nice distraction from my daily life.

I know that most people are surprised when I tell them my degree is NOT in Nursing! Oh no, thanks. I am a nurse every single day to my son and I don't enjoy it one tiny little bit. It's a departure for my husband, since his sister, daughter & ex-wife are all nurses. I am more the creative type, I love beautiful things and I want to share beautiful things. Just me! I wish I had more time to devote to this kind of stuff because it truly makes me happy, but there are days where EB just overwhelms me. One would think that after 14 years it would just get easier, but it's just draining and relentless. Nicky's at the age where parents of normal 14 year olds have a little independent person on their hands and Nicky is everything but independent and will probably never be. EB takes a toll on everything and everyone. I can't remember when was the last time I went out on a 'date' with my husband... 2008? Honestly, I think since we got married 8.5 years ago we've gone out to dinner 5 times. There is no family here from either side and also from Nicky's dad's side and all my friends are everywhere but here, so we're in it alone. I guess people might think EB goes away or gets better, well folks, it doesn't. It gets worse. I think at this point I got Nicky pretty much 'stable', but it's a fight every single day, with every new wound, every new surgery, medicines here, therapy there, it's never-ending.  After 14 years I've learned to manage my time, but if I have to pick between cleaning and have some time for 'me' on the computer, I chose the latter, because I know it's less costly than anti-depressants. This does not mean my house looks like a pig-stie, let's just say I pick my battles. Kitchen and Bathrooms are always clean and the laundry is always done, the rest, it comes and goes. We could use some major help, but we don't have it and that's that. I've learned to live without it.

Well, I am off cooking for the Superbowl! Go Steelers!!!